Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You Might Also Like
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.