I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
That’s amazing.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.