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McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl