[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You Might Also Like
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.