I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches