How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit