If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Human are so complicated
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party