[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
He just like my cat fr
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.