Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Dishonest mechanic?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.