Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?