On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*