“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
You Might Also Like
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Follow me for more recipes
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat