The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You Might Also Like
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Villian: one false move and you鈥檙e history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I鈥檓 the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
When you鈥檙e dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I鈥檝e never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?