It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife