[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Florida man
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY