Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
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No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?