Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope