[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Finally, an explanation.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.