4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Good advice.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.