Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now