The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
This trial is so absurd 😭
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.