Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Leaving the Barbers like
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
termite twitter scares me
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.