“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me too, bag. Me too….
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]