My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.