favorite tropes as memes
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this