[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.