Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You Might Also Like
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person