dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.