You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?