A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You Might Also Like
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!