*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….