Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Saw your ex at the shops
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Cake safety first. Always.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.