Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
S M O L
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?