*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.