me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Venn