A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
just witnessed a drug deal
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”