pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
everyone has that one prude friend
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”