Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
kevin is now a local weatherman
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Word!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.