14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
You Might Also Like
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation