Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.