bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall