I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Flock of bats
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent