Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
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This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team