son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You Might Also Like
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*