People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
im 7 sauces long
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Rather alarming headline…
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories