Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Always
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*