ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.