If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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Tell the colonel to bring it
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.