9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal