Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.